Ex boyfriends and the like

It's funny how some people bring out different parts of you.

So, I was talking to an ex earlier this week for some reason. We never really parted on sour terms or anything, though admittedly we didn't part on good terms either. That was a really... bizarre... relationship. We spent many hours sitting within close vicinity, but never actually talking, silently at combat over who was going to pull the "Why aren't you paying attention to me?" card first. Him being a manipulative son of a bitch would pull out all the stops to see at which point I would break. Myself, being keen enough to see that he was trying to manipulate me, and also being a stupid stubborn ass mule would ignore him and watch movies while he played video games. Which, in hindsight, probably wasn't the best use of my time, but I justify my actions by lacking anything else better to do and general avoidance of loneliness.

Eventually, seeing the relationship for what it was... (I hesitate to say that he used me, because I knew exactly what he was doing, didn't put much emotional value at stake, and quite frankly, was probably using him just as much as he was using me)... we broke up.

Though, like I said, we didn't part on bad terms, just not good ones. We tried to do the friendship thing, but I realized that this prolonged interaction that we had eventually left me extremely guarded around him, and he really brings out the worst part of my lack of humanity. I guess it doesn't help that he can be a complete asshole that says really awful things just to get a rise out of people. Or at least he used to be, from what he tells me. But still, a part of me just goes cold when engaging in a conversation with him, and any sense of emotion just completely ices over. I turn into this completely unfeeling empty shell of a person, which really scares the crap out of me.

I used to feel that way a lot in my younger years. Growing up in an abusive environment, I learned to segregate myself from certain emotions in order to survive. Which later resulted in developing a vast social awkwardness that I'm still prone to fall victim to every now and again. A years worth of therapy, and a complete overhaul of a life change later, it still catches up to me. How humbling.

But... such is the way with ex's though, no?

Hello?

Hello?

Am I still allowed to write here?

I know it's been forever.

So, I originally created this blog to eventually become my digital refrigerator to showcase the things I create. But I forgot that I am detrimentally lazy. I have a million ideas, some of which actually do come to fruition on occasion, but that additional step to scan it, or take a picture of it, and put it on the internet is something that I have not quite mastered yet.

I could come up with a million excuses as to why I haven't done anything on the internet not facebook related, but it doesn't matter. BUT! With news of my other boring blog getting shut down, I want to get the ball rolling again, but this time including some pictureless entries, since writing is a creative process too. I just kind of suck at this whole keeping up with blogs, journals, whatever whatever. But I'll give it a try. Again.

I told you I was pushing my luck.

Spring, or Whatever

I had to sneak into my neighbor's side yard to get this shot. Not too shabby considering it was taken with a cheap digital camera.

Anyway, my creative flow has come to a grinding halt because tis the season for allergies and debilitating migraines.

There is hope, however, because a couple of friends of mine are brainstorming ideas to create a video game and has hired me(!) to do concept art for them. I... just haven't done anything yet, (aside from a scene that I drunkenly scrawled onto a lined piece of paper when they first asked for my input), because it feels like I'm getting stabbed in the eyeballs whenever I see a white background or bright lights.

I'm also still working on that stuffed toy hot dog that I mentioned last time. I'm hand stitching it, because I have a need to make everything more difficult than it needs to be, so it's taking a long time, but I'm almost done. I should do some status update photos of the thing. Yes!

Chasing Memories

It's kind of amazing how the subtlest things can trigger a memory to bubble up from the furthest part of the back of your mind. Be it a song, a setting, a smell...

After work yesterday, I went to a bar called My X Wife's place to meet my friend Kevin to celebrate him leaving a shitty job. I arrived before he did, and because it was just barely 6 p.m., the bar was mostly empty. I went outside to the back patio, because the weather was beautiful, and sat alone for a little while wishing I had my sketchbook with me.

I remember once, when I was living in Berkeley, CA, sitting outside alone at a rice noodle restaurant. It was early in the day but past lunch time, so there were very few people about. About 15-20 feet away from me was a girl talking on her cell phone. It seemed to me that she was having a lover's quarrel, complete with nervous hands and slumped shoulders. After hanging up on the person she was speaking with, she screamed out loud in frustration, tears flowing freely down her face. Then she stopped. Took a deep breath and started laughing as she made her way down the sidewalk. Our eyes met and I gave her a look of sympathy. She gave me a look that said that she was completely unapologetic for her actions and public outcry.

Funny how a simple thing as sitting outside with no one else around for a little while brings about the strangest of memories.

On a completely different note, I'm working on a stuffed toy hotdog. I'll post pictures of it when I'm finished.

I smile more when I feel like I belong

I was on my way to my internship via subway in Korea one summer and this 60-year old man decided he wanted to hit on me. He came over and told me he would give me his name card and after I rejected him I texted my mom to tell her what happened. Her reply: “psycho like that need to get their penis thin sliced. mommy good at cooking and chopping, i do it for you. take his name card.”

-My Mom is a Fob

Okay, so I'm incredibly white washed. Compact that with the fact that I've been living in Utah for the last 3 years, and I'd forgotten that there were other people like myself with parents that barely speak English, can intimidate the fuck out of you, and entertain you with their idiosyncratic syntax.

Discovering this makes me wanna call my mother and have dinner with her.

She's sent me just one text message since getting an iPhone, which was completely illegible, so she opts to send pictures of her dog to me instead. But here's a post it that she left for me one morning when I was still living at home. Heh heh.

Speaking of Which

Running Themes

With the onset of June, my facebook newsfeed has been sprinkled hither and tither of wedding announcements and engagement plans, and photos and links of all things in the celebration of love.

I myself, unlike most other young girls, never had dreams of "my perfect wedding," or anything of that sort. Instead of Malibu Beach Barbie, I played librarian and teacher Barbie (yes, I had to make them up on my own). Either that or I'd throw stuff into the street to watch cars run them over, because I was a little asshole as a child.

So, I wasn't exactly the most graceful kid growing up, and I recognized that. From what I remember, I never really flirted with the idea of a dream wedding, falling in love, or all that other gross romantic icky stuff.

Now that I'm older, I'm still not very graceful, I'm kind of immature, and possibly kind of bitter. So, I still don't see marriage in my future, though for different reasons other than merely scoffing at love. However! I have been thinking of my dream wedding as of late, because now that I'm a grown up, I can make my own decisions of what that means, and I have the ability to imagine having a wedding, but not getting married.

Is it weird that mine has zombies in it?


The drawing could have been better, but I ran out of space and I started drinking.